the love lock series: the empty road chapter

Originally published May 2, 2023

Love is a journey, the most exciting one of all. Caedon Spilman, who was my mentor during my first semester of college, and whose friendship and guidance I will always appreciate, shared an incredibly heartfelt message about his relationship with his girlfriend Hannah:

“It’s difficult to be introspective about this sort of stuff when I’m not only in the middle of a relationship—probably hindering me from a proper birds-eye view—but also in the middle of my first relationship. I also struggle to define the lines between love, falling in love, and the casual ‘love you!’ I say (or wish to say) to all my friends. My girlfriend, as philosophical as it is, might not see it as complicated as I do. She didn’t find it a challenge or as big a deal as I did to say ‘I love you’ first. She commits and she commits hard. I, obviously, followed suit.

But now we’re in the stage of understanding that we may be falling, actually, in love with one another. To be dead honest, that’s a scary thing. Falling in love is something I may have mused about my whole post-preteen life, yet feels as momentous now as it did in my daydreams. So maybe the best thing I can do is study where I’m at now in my relationship, who Hannah is, and how we got to where we’re at.

I always thought and said that liking someone is unconscious; loving someone is a choice. There’s a sizable gap between. I think that maxim still holds true, to an extent. I made many choices to remain with her, even when it meant a summer of long-distance, emotional breakdowns, and missed hangouts with other friends. But I also realize that the journey from loving someone to falling in love feels like an even wider breach. It may also be just as unintentional. It’s like driving an empty road and arriving sooner than you expected; it’s how moving at a consistent speed long enough makes you feel like you’re not moving at all.

But I still haven’t answered the question. The short answer is, I don’t understand falling in love. I mean, I think I’m there. And there’s a lot about Hannah that makes her so worth that pursuit. First would be her mind. Saying ‘her heart’ probably would be more cute, but she’s half-convinced me that the soul is stored in the mind, not the heart. (My guess is the gut.) It’s her eagerness for adventure and her curiosity of the wider world that attracts me. It’s her perseverance and her drive to change what she sees wrong with the world that keeps me there. It’s a random wink at me from across the room. It’s the tucked-chin-eyes-up-half-smirk expression; it’s her pulling me in when everything goes to shit and I’m falling apart. It’s her reprimanding me, even if it stings in the moment. It’s inside jokes, a shared Dropout account, our private gossip, our Mariokart games, Barnes & Noble dates, roadtrip arguments; it’s a yellow dress on a sunny day, a blurry polaroid, a selfie at the London train station, a kiss on the forehead. It’s her getting me flowers after a big fight and her determination to defy every gender norm we know.

But again, the question was not about Hannah—it was about falling in love with any girl. I guess my answer, then, remains the same as before: I still don’t know. But I think a solid friendship would be a good start.

Alright, flowers. Final answer. I’m a sucker for some dope looking flowers.”